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Chrystal Ann Kaminski
surrealkiller
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Explanation of content...
This journal consists of my daily functions, my musings and general thoughts. Read as you wish...

May 2007
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Chrystal Ann Kaminski [userpic]

I held the phone in my hand and looked around the bathroom, where I was sitting after Ben told me and I said to him “You have to be kidding”in complete disbelief, he paused a bit and said “I wish I was”. I started mumbling involantarily about how this couldn’t be happening. I broke down Crying uncontrollably and hung up my phone, fell on my knees to the floor and sobbed. I screamed “No no no”, over and over holding my head in my hands…. This couldn’t be real. I felt like I was going crazy.

Is it real? is she really gone...

I can’t be at home without staring out the window like I’m waiting for something. I look for her when I’m walking around outside, or anywhere in a public place.. I wait to see a glimpse of someone who looks like her so I can almost see her again. She's the first thing I think about when I wake, and the last before I fall asleep. I only knew her for about two years, but I knew her well nontheless. She was considered one of my closer friends, though she lived thousands of miles away. I would often go to her for advice and for comfort with serious situations, as we shared some through E-mail and phone conversations.

I keep thinking of Justin, sitting alone. Going about his household duties, caring for her cats. Looking at all her things around their house. I keep thinking about the last time they talked, what did they say to each other...what was she wearing? Who was the last one to see her alive and what did they talk about?

The worst part of this for me, is thinking of how she’s not going to be around to help others anymore, to spread light anymore, to fill a room with energy anymore. She wanted to be a star..she loved raves and parties and nightlife. She loved art and nature...she loved her friends and cats. She loved Seattle, to read and to live. We would talk about going to Ibiza, drinking martinis in the sun and walking on the beach. We were gonna club it up somethin’ fierce I tell you. We were scheduled to meet up at D.E.M.F. this year and hang out out for a whole weekend. This is really something I can hardly fathom, I have never lost a friend before..

I was looking forward to a life where I could have spent more time with you Ann. I should have gone out there last year like I wanted to, I should have stayed home the day after you and Justin spent the night at my house last May. I should have told you that you are someone the world could not afford to lose, and that you and the things you do for people meant more to me than I ever let you know. I should have told you that the entire room lights up when you speak. That you never knew you made my life more colorful in the time you existed in it. That you are a treasure that I can now only go into my memory to unwrap again.

I know now that when I write my middle name, I will smile and even like it. I was going to change it, but it has a new sentimental value.

Now the only way to see you, is when I’m drifting off to sleep. Then we can dance together for as long as we want under the stars, we can plunder those pirate ships, drink our martinis and walk on the soft white sand. I’ll see you again sweet Ann, in my dreams. Until then, please be somewhere you are safe...where there are tons of kitties to cuddle and books and color and light. Where there is neverending techno so good that you can't stop dancing, and from now on whenever I'm dancing, I will be dancing for you.

God I've already been missing you girl, now I'll miss you forever...


Annjeanine Kathryn Boerger (1981-2007)


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Current Location: In the dark place
Emotion: crushedSeriously crushed..
Serenading me....: My heart breaking
Chrystal Ann Kaminski [userpic]

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I rememeber once...walking down the hallway at MIAD and stopping to read a quote on somebody's photography work, I never forgot it.

It read...

"Have you ever seen someone so beautiful that your heart stops, you can't breathe...and you can't look away..?"



This is my last entry before I made my journal FRIENDS ONLY. I write in my journal about twice a week and read my friends page daily. If you want to read my journal, you must be friended by me as well. I welcome any friends who want to grace my page with their eyes, so request as you wish.

Current Location: Home
Emotion: touchedSearching for real friends..
Serenading me....: Baxter
Chrystal Ann Kaminski [userpic]

Beautiful morning today...I hope the sun stays out 'till I get home after I take Lincoln for his oil change.

I had an interview yesterday that went great, the people liked me, they were laughing and joking with me through most of the questions that were asked. I like the "What would you do if there was an emergency you could not handle at work?" heh heh......here's one, I would stop drop and roll. :). Yeah, that would have been funny if I said that, buuuut I did'nt. I am being considered for two postitions, I liked the general office one best because it would give me a chance to walk the building while I work besides typing on the computer all day. Insurance companies have the LONGEST interviews I think, this one also took three hours, like the Northwestern one.

I am hopeful, but I am still applying to many other places soooo, if something I like better comes along, I will take it.

I also have another interview at The Employment Place, LLC in Brookefield next week Thursday at 3:30. Can't wait to get that all in order!! I should have an interview folder or something to keep track of all them.

Ahhh....raisins....MMMmm

Emotion: discontentdiscontent
Chrystal Ann Kaminski [userpic]

Well, last night I was talking to Jose for awhile, we talked about lots of things, got into it a little......got over it.

I found out that apparently there is someone he recently talked to that knows about our situation and that read my journal and told him that I was talking about it it "Script" or code or something. Well, that my be true, but I would appreciate it if, whoever you are, you would please stay out of my business.....he did'nt tell me who it was, and I am going to ask him tonight, and he will most likely tell me. I feel violated and intruded upon, I don't like it when people are talking about my journal entries to others, unless I know they are saying something. I think if I knew who it was maybe I would not care as much, I mean, it could have been someone at the show last weekend, I don't know. But I am not comfortable with that. I would like it if you asked me first, if you can say anything about my journal entry.

I posted most of the posts about my situation in a friends post only, so it was not public, and so it must be someone on my friends list. If you know about our situation and have recently mentioned to him that you saw me say something on line about it, tell me who you are. I will not be so upset if I knew it was a friend on here that I trust, so if you are...tell me, if not - stay out of here.

Now I am going to change my journal to a friends only journal, if any public people are opposed, add me.

Emotion: aggravatedaggravated
Chrystal Ann Kaminski [userpic]

Well, tomarrow it happens. I hope it all goes well and that I turn out ok. I think I will, I am pretty strong in any situation. I know I will live whatever the outcome.

I have not seen Jose since Sunday, so I am happy that I will tomarrow though I will not really want to do much that night. I will probly take it real easy. I am glad he is willing to take care of me the whole weekend.

I miss Jeffy, and my Sara and Pat. I might have a chance to see Sara this weekend.

My stepdad finished doing my taxes, I get like $350.00 back this year which is a lot compared to last year and almost all the years before that because I claim myself instead of putting zero. So I get more of my money every month than most people do out of their checks, personally I don't care if I get more money at the end of the year, I would much rather have more every month.

So it's March and Carrie will have her baby in April....one month away! I am happy for her, though I do worry that she will struggle with finances and such. Last time I went to her house, they did not have a crib....I hope they have one now. I am going to get a care package for her together soon, Talleah and I are going shopping and I plan to surprise her with lots of baby stuff. I don't know what she already has but I am planning on calling her to see what she does not have yet. I wonder what names they have picked out?

Hmmmm.... better get home now...

Emotion: worriedworried
Chrystal Ann Kaminski [userpic]

It's been forever since I could hear the sounds of a thunderstorm, spring is on it's way :).

The only thing I worry about is hail, without my garage....my poor Lincoln has to sit out in all the bad weather! and I really don't want to have to pat for fixing hail damage.

The weekend was actually nice, minus Saturday, which was frustrating and saddening. I still have not gotten it done.

I saw that "Up Town Girls" movie, it was pretty good but a little sad, Jose liked it too. We went for a walk Sunday and it beautiful out, it was good to walk around, we went to this store called "Greenfields" and it's sort of a hippie store, lot's of inscence and Budda and Hindi stuff, tie-dye and what not. They also have wonderful jewelery and clothes there, I almolst pulled out my credit cards....but I stopped myself. I think remembering that I have $2000.00 worth of medical bills to pay within a few months got me. *sigh* ah well, shit happens.

I went to a MIAD party on friday, it was awesome! I had such a good time, I think Sara would have liked it. I hung out with John Lee most of the time, it was well worth it. I ate free food and had free drinks there too, it was a MIAD fishy fry.

One thing that always rules about this school is that they hook you up phat with free food all the time. I can't count all the free sammiches I got from this place. And free cookies and Krispy Kremes and everything.

Talleah got yet another animal, it's a cray fish, he is all blue and his name is Cray. Pretty simple.

I don't know of that's how you spell crayfish, but I don't really care.

I am going to get all wet tonight waiting for the bus on Water street. Then I have to get in my car and drive to the banky bank.

Hmmm...it looks like it stopped raining, maybe there is HOPE :).

Emotion: aggravatedaggravated
Chrystal Ann Kaminski [userpic]

I can't believe that I spilled tea on my keyboard today, I was SO pissed off about it. Well, let's see if the spilled-on area works 0.123456789+-*/=.....yup, seems to be in perfect working order, phew. I thought this bitch was done for.

Got alot of doctor bills to pay, approximately 2500.00 bucks in ER bills. That shit really adds up. I am glad I don't have an apartment to pay for right now.

If I play my cards right I can have all of that paid of in two months, I guess I better get on it.

I am not going to the little party at MIAD today because of a shortage of funds, I need that money to pay my bills so I will sacrifice tonight for it. Instead I am going to go to my grandparents house for dinner and to hang out with them, since they rule. My grandma bought me more skirts and shirts and stuff. Yesterday Talleah bought me a beautiful long black skirt with small dark flowers on it, I totally love it.

Woo, I get off at 5 today, I can't wait because I am HUNGRY. My grandma is making Chorizo and something else, I have never had that sooooo it will be a little surprise.

I applied for a job in Brookfield today, I don't know why but I really like the job description, mainly data entry and data processing stuff. It sound like that same thing I am doing now but with much better pay. I don't know about driving there every day though, without the freeway, it's gonna take me ASS long to get there. That's the only thing that will suck if I get a job way out there.

Oh well, I can go bother my Sara at Barnes and Nobles and we will have a party in the back room where she works... HA HA!

I should probly go now, since it's almost time to leave.

C-yuh

Emotion: busybusy
Chrystal Ann Kaminski [userpic]

Had a nice weekend....Jose and I did alot of movie watching and sleeping, well, HE slept alot but I kept waking up on Friday while we were taking a nap. So I hung out with the cat for awhile, the snow kitty :).

Saturday we went to the Milwaukee Public Museum and had an AWESOME time! we went over to the little bug area to see live bugs they had on display and Jose held a cockroach from Madagaskar and a walking stick. They were too creepy for me to hold, so I did'nt want to touch EITHER of them, no matter how much Jose wanted me too. I forgot how much he loved bugs. My favorite has always been the streets of old Milwaukee thing and now the butterfly exhibit has come in also as a favorite. I was thinking though, that the kids that go in their might not treat the butterflies right......I can just imagine a little brat pulling the wings off of one. I swear there were like 12 kids in that little room. I think only a certain amount of people should be allowed in there at a time, but noooo....they would probly let like 40 in there. I saw this poor butterfly that looked so sad.....he was clinging to the net by the window and his wings were all tore up....I saw the others that looked like him and saw that his wings were actually supposed to be much bigger than they were :(. Ohhh....cute grey spotted butterfly. That's it!! lemme at him.....I'll kill the son of a bitch that grabbed him by his wings!

Ahem.....

Anyway, we had a good time all in all.

This week should prove to be pretty entertaining, Tuesday I have a MIAD special artist party in our main building, Wed. At Random with Sara and Friday a MIAD illustration party for our resident senior illustrators, which includes my friend John Ireland, little John or Johnathan Lee. I am mainly going to support him and my other friends that are illustrators. I also heard about a Clamor music festival, which I will also be attending in March, it will be held at bucket works and it only costs $5 to get in.

Good stuff to get my mind off things.

Emotion: exhaustedexhausted
Chrystal Ann Kaminski [userpic]

My bladder hurts, I hope I won't get another infection. Time to self-medicate. Sulfameth, here I come.

I had a nice Sunday night, club was GREAT. Talleah was there and Jeffy and Sara and Tina and everyone. Lockjaw did a wonderful job, and they keep attracting these crazy headbangers. There was one guy who just did'nt quit until the show was done, I wondered if he would be able to stand afterward. Talleah was like "Maybe he'll have a seizure". It was pretty entertaining. I got alot of good pictures this time and I was ecstatic to find out that I could get lots of close-ups easily because they are my specialty. I was actually thankful that the stage is so close to the audience and the ground, it enabled me to get lots of the audience incorporated into the pictures.

Lots of people came up to me, telling me how good Jose was and that they did'nt know just HOW good he was. I told Jose that and he was all proud and happy, my sweet boy :). Awweeee. They got a few offers from people at the show who wanted them to play at their venues/parties in the spring and summer which is pretty cool. I am happy for them overall.

Sunday night was great, I stayed at Jose's house and I was so comfortable it was unbelieveable, I did'nt want to leave. His place was so warm and cozy and I did'nt want to stop cuddling. If I were a kitty, I would have purred.

Monday I played with my hammies after work and Pagan refused to get off of my lap. I think she wanted to eat the hamsters. Bad kitty.

Tonight I am going to Chi-Chi's and bringing Talleah along too. I will probly be there at around 8. See ya'll there.

Emotion: uncomfortableuncomfortable
Chrystal Ann Kaminski [userpic]

It's hard not to cry sometimes. Especially these days.

I wish Jeffy was not mad at me, I don't think he has any right to be - I can understand hurt or maybe disappointed. I don't think anyone can be mad at me right now, not with what I am going through, unless I have wronged them or hurt them in someway on purpose. I don't recall doing anything of the sort lately...sooo. I don't know.

I just wish this was all over and I could go to sleep forever.

I would be ok with falling asleep and not waking up, I would not be afraid anymore.

I just keep swimming, but I know soon I will drown. I feel the water getting heavier and heavier and it only lightens when I forget.

I brought Finding Nemo over to Jose's house and we watched it together, he really liked it. I think his favortie was Pearl. Yesterday he and I went to Exclusive and I bought a DVD all about Jim Croche, I LOVE him, his music is so good it's sick. Jose bought one on The Clash, that one was really good too, I like The Clash now. Before I hated that shit, but now I hear it so much, I am starting to like it.

We had grilled cheese and tomato soup, it's the only thing I felt like eating anyway, but it was sooo satisfying. I was fat and comfy after wards. We cuddled while watching our DVDs, which we watched on Jose's NEW DVD palyer! woooo! I was happy to hear that, his good friend bought it for him, it's just a little Toshiba one, but at least it plays DVD's. He already had speakers other than his TV one's, so he really did'nt need a while system, just the player. I however, want either a Sony surround sound system w/DVD player or a kenwood set. It all has to match or I get all upset about it. The colors have to match too, I am going to go with the silver tone thing, instead of the black like I was doing. I like the steel look for my kitchen, I am buying a new stainless steel toaster, micro and blender. Tee hee.

Shiiiinnnyy stuff GOOD.

Emotion: morosemorose
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