I held the phone in my hand and looked around the bathroom, where I was sitting after Ben told me and I said to him “You have to be kidding”in complete disbelief, he paused a bit and said “I wish I was”. I started mumbling involantarily about how this couldn’t be happening. I broke down Crying uncontrollably and hung up my phone, fell on my knees to the floor and sobbed. I screamed “No no no”, over and over holding my head in my hands…. This couldn’t be real. I felt like I was going crazy.
Is it real? is she really gone...
I can’t be at home without staring out the window like I’m waiting for something. I look for her when I’m walking around outside, or anywhere in a public place.. I wait to see a glimpse of someone who looks like her so I can almost see her again. She's the first thing I think about when I wake, and the last before I fall asleep. I only knew her for about two years, but I knew her well nontheless. She was considered one of my closer friends, though she lived thousands of miles away. I would often go to her for advice and for comfort with serious situations, as we shared some through E-mail and phone conversations.
I keep thinking of Justin, sitting alone. Going about his household duties, caring for her cats. Looking at all her things around their house. I keep thinking about the last time they talked, what did they say to each other...what was she wearing? Who was the last one to see her alive and what did they talk about?
The worst part of this for me, is thinking of how she’s not going to be around to help others anymore, to spread light anymore, to fill a room with energy anymore. She wanted to be a star..she loved raves and parties and nightlife. She loved art and nature...she loved her friends and cats. She loved Seattle, to read and to live. We would talk about going to Ibiza, drinking martinis in the sun and walking on the beach. We were gonna club it up somethin’ fierce I tell you. We were scheduled to meet up at D.E.M.F. this year and hang out out for a whole weekend. This is really something I can hardly fathom, I have never lost a friend before..
I was looking forward to a life where I could have spent more time with you Ann. I should have gone out there last year like I wanted to, I should have stayed home the day after you and Justin spent the night at my house last May. I should have told you that you are someone the world could not afford to lose, and that you and the things you do for people meant more to me than I ever let you know. I should have told you that the entire room lights up when you speak. That you never knew you made my life more colorful in the time you existed in it. That you are a treasure that I can now only go into my memory to unwrap again.
I know now that when I write my middle name, I will smile and even like it. I was going to change it, but it has a new sentimental value.
Now the only way to see you, is when I’m drifting off to sleep. Then we can dance together for as long as we want under the stars, we can plunder those pirate ships, drink our martinis and walk on the soft white sand. I’ll see you again sweet Ann, in my dreams. Until then, please be somewhere you are safe...where there are tons of kitties to cuddle and books and color and light. Where there is neverending techno so good that you can't stop dancing, and from now on whenever I'm dancing, I will be dancing for you.
God I've already been missing you girl, now I'll miss you forever...