August 14th, 2003

I'll hide from you...

Pure clarification...

Some things NEED to be cleared up.

Apparently, there are many thing that people don't understand about my current situation. And there are rumors, I HATE rumors.

The most common question: Are you guys fucking?

Answer: No, we never have. And if ANY of you can recall just ONE time that I EVER said we were fucking, I will give you a thousand dollars.

Explanation: I can see why many of you could think that is what was going on. And one of you even decided to tell him that we were dating, I never said that, I said people all seem to think that or even assume that. I can't help how other people take things, and I feel he is blaming me for what all of you assume. Alot of people do not believe me when I say we are not fucking. How can I help that? I can't control what other people say or want to believe.

Second most popular question: "So, what's going on with you two?"

Answer: I did'nt know then, and I still don't. I wanted to date him and when I told him that one of the things he said was "I would love to date you, but I'm still stuck on Angela". Those are the EXACT words he said. I understood that, no problem. There was "Something" going on that neither of us really can explain, but it was a mutual attraction that got occaisionally very confusing.

Now there's a new one and it's called "The bitchslap". I did'nt slap him in the face, I hit him in the arm and it was'nt to hurt him, obviously. It was a reaction to something he told me that I knew happened already. Basically, when he told me straightout, in my mind it was like him telling me "I want to hurt myself" and I freaked. When someone I love so much does something that they KNOW will hurt them, I hurt too. That word HURT is the fuel for my reaction, it was raw emotion and he is one if the only people I don't have to hide that from. But I agree, it was a bit much and I apologized right after. Sometimes you just....react without thinking, it does'nt make it right still, but it also does not mean that the person meant to do harm, especially if they feel as bad as I do about it.

Question: "Is it wrong to sleep with someone you love?"

Answer: No, as long as they are clear on what your intentions are.

Question: Is it right to hurt yourself intentionally?

Answer: No

I am not mad at her at all. I was for a bit because I did'nt understand some of the things she said at the bar and some of them still don't add up, but I am forgiving her for it because I understand her intentions were good. I can't stay mad at someone for more than a day usually. Last night we talked it over and got a lot of things straight, I clarified things for her that she was misconcieveing. I was very sad last night and really needed someone to talk to, I am still very sad and hurt. I did'nt know who else to call, the person I wanted to talk to was not interested in talking to me. I felt I had absolutely no one last night.

Question: Why y'all gotta get all up in my grill?

This is the last time I will EVER post about this, because it should stay between the people that are involved. But since some already got out, I had to clarify before any more assumptions were made.
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    Razed In Black - Damaged
I'll hide from you...

Normal post

Last night I went to Fuel with Pat and Sara, she had a cute tomato and cheese sammich. It was all round and cute :).

I was stoned all day yesterday, that weed had the weirdest high, it's like, a slow release of the chemicals over time. It lasts forever, I was still feeling it hours after we smoked and I knew I was still blown because I could not focus my eyes at all. When I do ANY kind of downer, I have this thing where I am unable to see well, my eyes unfocus and I become temporarily near-sighted. I also have trouble keeping balance and walking. I have never met anyone else with the same problem, so I must be wierd :).

I had fun last night until I found out Jeffy was mad at me. Then I was sad all night and I could barely sleep. Just the thought of him being upset about something made me restless and a little disturbed.

Today I am going to pick up my computer with Pat after work. After that I have no idea what's going on, Tyler and Rose want me to go to Have A Nice Day cafe with them, I don't know about that. Well, if it's free drinks and free to get in for girls...hmmmm. I told him if I had a ride I would go, I'm still not sure about it though.

I feel so damaged inside lately, this album came along at the perfect time. And it's name IS Damaged.

Purely coincidental.
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