Chrystal Ann Kaminski (surrealkiller) wrote,
Chrystal Ann Kaminski

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Paradox effect

Last night I had an interesting conversation with Jose. One of the most dreaded conversations of all. It was about religion, and it lasted almost four hours. It really is a useless conversation to have sometimes, because no matter what, niether of you will budge and it just goes around in circles. I don't really care what relegion ANYONE is, I just care that they care about me, and I about them.

It was interesting though, to see his point of view, he is a very half-assed christian. He does not believe you have to go to church to pray or to believe in god, and I respect the aspect of him believing on his own terms, but at the same time I think if you are part of a religion it's either all or nothing. I don't think you can be half-assed and still do your religion justice. I guess you don't HAVE to it any justice, but then why even follow it if you allow yourself to stray from it's teachings? I told him that I would like to believe in something other than myself sometimes, but in all reality, myself is all I will ever have. I know I am here, I don't care how I got here, I just want to have fun and love people and learn and experience everything I can before I die. When I die will be the only time I will care what is really out there, if anything. I don't bash people who believe there is a god, I respect that they have some sort of faith. But I don't believe in pushing religion of any kind, or chastizing others if they have a different faith than you, or none at all.

Last night Jose did bring to my attention that I am not an athiest, but I am agnostic, because I do believe that there could be some kind of force influencing us from another realm. There COULD be, I never said there WAS. If anything, the closest religion I come to is a worship of nature, I believe that we all come from nature and that we are one with it. One with everything around us. But there is also a very hard headed side of me. I believe that I am my own god, that I can make anything happen if I want it bad enough and that I make my own fate. I believe I am in complete control of myself. And I have been able to prove it. Whenever I want something, somehow I always get it, in one form or another. It used to happen opposite when I was little, but it's quite to the contrary now. For example, when I was in high school I wanted lots of money and I wanted a good job, and I knew I would get it. I quit the job I was at before going to Germany and when I came back, I went to apply at an insurance company across the street from my house.

I got the job without an interview, I got to request what I wanted to get paid AND I got to start right away. That was the best job I have ever had, two years later I saved up enough money to buy myself the car I wanted and I STILL have it, I bought a computer AND I paid for a summer semester at MIAD all without any help from anyone else.

And there are many other things that happen the same way all the time. If I want it bad enough, it always comes to me. And it only started happening like that when I quit being christain and waiting on god for everything and taking it into my own hands. I learned that I had more control over my life than I thought. And I used that to my advantage.

People say that it sounds like I have some satanic beliefs, and I would agree that I do believe in self worship to a point, but not to the extreme. I am not vain enough to be a satanist.

I am hungry enough to want a taco though, I should go over to Jose's house and we should get taco's tonight.
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